Straddling Two Worlds

I had a moment tonight where I forgot I was a mother. It felt sad and heavy. I was just so preoccupied with the present moment.. and when I switched into my head, I remembered that somewhere out there in the world was my daughter. Living life, breathing, eating, sleeping all without me. Moments I would never know and never be able to see. It feels like a transition happening way to soon. 

I couldn't stay in that place long. I couldn't bare to torment my heart and my longing for perfection any longer. I needed to move out of that at least space and out of that thinking before it consumed me. 

I wonder at times what I will regret in the future. I desperately try to anticipate what I may or may not say to myself down the road and I use that information to guide my current complexities. Honestly, I wouldn't recommend it. And I don't know how much longer I can sustain that kind of preparation. 

All I can be certain of is that when I decided to not put up with 'it' any longer, that also meant I had to endure a big change regarding my daughter. The grief is real.